


Truly Unbelievable

by marginaliana



Category: British Comedy RPF
Genre: M/M, The Unbelievable Truth - Freeform, panel shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25599286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: "Charlie, your topic is…" A heavy sigh. "Your topic is me, David Mitchell. Comedian, actor, and all around genius."
Relationships: Charlie Brooker/David Mitchell
Comments: 25
Kudos: 50
Collections: Rare Male Slash Exchange 2020





	Truly Unbelievable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [subito](https://archiveofourown.org/users/subito/gifts).



"Next up is Charlie Brooker," David says. "Charlie is best known for his website making fun of television, his newspaper column making fun of television, and his tv shows making fun of television. Given his other preoccupations, it's amazing he hasn't yet left something in his toilet that makes fun of television."

"How d'you know I haven't?" Charlie pipes up, but David gives him such a withering look that he closes his mouth automatically.

"Charlie, your topic is…" A heavy sigh. "Your topic is me, David Mitchell. Comedian, actor, and all around genius."

"The lying hasn't started yet," says Lucy, which gets a good laugh.

"Leave me _something_ to hang onto while Charlie tells everyone that I'm one-quarter robot, or whatever he's going to say."

"On which side of the family is that?" says Charlie. "Or is it one-quarter of your current body? Is it your—"

"Shut up and start talking."

Charlie smirks at him for that, but dives into his speech before the producer can break in to tell them both to get on with it. 

"Famously easygoing breakdancer David Mitchell," he begins, pausing for the obvious laugh, "has been involved in six shows about lying, or seven if you count _Upstart Crow_ , which is about Shakespeare but in an alternate universe where he was actually William Shakespeare and not the Earl of Oxford."

There's a loud boo from the back of the audience at that, which isn't surprising given that this is Radio 4. 

"Since this segment is about me lying about David's multiple opportunities for lying, it's taken the concept of untruth to an entirely new level. David told me it was a fabulous idea and that he was thrilled I had taken on the challenge."

> The look of horror on David's face is one of the most delightful things Charlie has ever seen. 
> 
> "No," David says. "No, no, absolutely not."
> 
> "Why not?" Charlie asks reasonably. They're mostly alone in the pub, too late for the lunch rush and too early for the dinner one. "You've done one about cucumbers, and I think it's fair to say that you're more interesting than a cucumber."
> 
> "Oh, lovely, thanks," says David. "You flatter me."
> 
> "Is it making you any more likely to say yes to this?" Charlie says, fiddling with the edges of his coaster. They haven't talked one-on-one in ages, just brief conversations at industry events and the occasional jab on twitter, and he's a little bit worried that he's forgotten how to convince David to do stupid things.
> 
> "No."
> 
> "You've done Churchill."
> 
> "Are you comparing me to _Winston Churchill_?"
> 
> "You're equally important to the security of our nation," Charlie says solemnly. The corners of David's mouth turn upwards, just a fraction, and suddenly Charlie knows he's got this if he can just tread lightly. "Look, if you say something's off limits then it's off limits. I'm not a bastard."
> 
> "You are," says David, "but not that kind of bastard." He sighs. "What will you give me if I agree to this?"
> 
> Charlie blinks. "What do you want?"
> 
> David opens his mouth, hesitates, then shuts it again. "Large favor to be determined," he says at last. " _Very_ large." Charlie feels himself flush unaccountably, but he's already nodding. He can't think of anything David's likely to ask that he wouldn't be okay with granting.
> 
> "Fair enough."

"David was a significant part of the inspiration for Harry Potter," Charlie continues. "Like Harry, he spent his early years in a cupboard, although his contained a telephone rather than a collection of spiders."

> "Did you _really_?"
> 
> They've migrated from the pub to Charlie's sofa, which means he doesn't have to worry about being interrupted by fans – still a weird experience after all these years – but _does_ mean he has to worry about what David will think of his place. David's been here before, of course, but that was back when they were working together a lot, and Charlie is suddenly aware that neither his sense of organization nor his cleanliness have measurably improved since then. 
> 
> "My parents were busy!" David says defensively. "They had a business! You can't expect everyone to just drop everything and sit around watching a baby that doesn't do anything except make gurgling noises. So… yes, it was a cupboard."
> 
> "Hey, hey," Charlie says, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm not criticizing. It's just that I need weird truths, and that's one's almost too perfect. You can't fault me for wanting to make sure I can count on it." 
> 
> "I'm not going to lie to you," David says. "That's not my job," he adds. "All _I_ have to do is award points to people who aren't you."
> 
> "Oh, I see how it is," says Charlie, trying to sound offended. "You're going to cheat me out of my win."
> 
> "I love how you think you're going to win," David says.
> 
> "Of course I'm going to win," says Charlie. He's not sure why it comes out as such a challenge, except that it's always fun to see the look in David's eyes in times like these. 

"The connection to magic stayed with him into his school years. David came to public attention at eleven with his first speaking part as a wizard—"

Lucy buzzes. "That's got to be true. Wee David Mitchell waving his wand around? Absolutely."

"Excuse me!" David says.

"You'd think if he were waving his wand around that would hinder his career rather than kick-start it," says Sandi.

"How long have you been in the television world again?" says Arthur. 

"Mmm, right, yes, I'm obviously speaking for myself, aren't I?" says Sandi. "Sorry, David. I just can't appreciate your wand in the way it deserves."

"That's quite all right," David says. "In any case it isn't true."

"Too bad," says Lucy. "I'm sure there are plenty of fans who would love to see you reprise your wand-waving role."

Charlie nearly chokes on his own spit as the audience breaks into immense laughter.

"You overestimate my appeal," David says dryly.

_She definitely doesn't,_ Charlie thinks, but he doesn't have time to delve into the thought because David is already sighing.

"Carry on, Charlie. If you must."

"Right, sure," Charlie says, pushing everything away into the back of his mind. "Before young David could speak, however, he magically transformed and opened his mouth to begin his first speaking words as Mr. Spock—"

Another buzz, this time from Sandi. "All right, I can go for that. He's got the facial expression for it."

"Only when people are telling me I look like a space alien," David says.

"Which would work perfectly if it was your part in the school play," says Sandi. "Logical, really."

"Yes, well," says David. "That's not true either, I'm afraid."

Charlie takes a deep breath and begins again. "Mid-way through a breath David transformed again, and so his first speaking part was actually as a Roman soldier—"

Now it's Arthur's turn to buzz. "That's the third one of these, so it has to be true."

"And it is true," David says. "My line was, 'Vespasian, centurion.' I admit that it wasn't the most exciting line, nor did it leave room for me to bring my own interpretation of the text. But it _was_ a speaking part and I did manage to speak it."

"Vespasian, centurion," Lucy says. "Which means…" 

"I was announcing who was the emperor, I believe."

"They didn't know?" says Lucy.

"They were complicated times."

> It's odd, talking to David like this, half interview and half catching up on each other's lives and half reminding himself why he liked David in the first place. That's too many halves, except that reminding himself why he likes David takes all of thirty seconds (funny, sarcastic, adorable) and doesn't really count. 
> 
> But there's so much that he never knew about David. He never _needed_ to know that sort of thing; he only needed to know enough that they could find the right synchronicity while working on something, or backstage before a show. David's life history had never really come into it.
> 
> Which is a shame, because Charlie's finding it fascinating. What had made little David Mitchell who he was? When was the moment he'd first known he could be funny? Who had been his role models, what had been his career goals? What are the things he thinks he could never do, and the ones he wants to push himself into? What makes him scared? What makes him happy? 
> 
> None of that had seemed important before, but now Charlie finds that he really wants to know it all. Because David seems more like a person and less like just a comedian now that they don't have to be on live television in two shitting minutes. 
> 
> Maybe David's always been this interesting. There must be some reason why Charlie hasn't noticed it until now. 

"Once he found out about magic, David became enraptured with its history. He spent many long nights awake in his room, reading and rereading his favorite book, _The Lord of the Rings_."

Arthur's buzzer goes. "That's historical, isn't it? Bet you loved it."

"It's not historical," David says. "There's no history that involves elves and talking trees and the endless moaning of a jewelry-obsessed, hairy-footed midget."

"… so that's a no, then."

> "You really hate it that much, huh?"
> 
> "I just really don't understand why people are so obsessed with it!" says David. "Three quarters of it is just reciting names, Bungle son of Glungle son of Wungle." His cheeks have gone pleasingly pink in the way they've always done when he was two pints in and ranting. Charlie had forgotten that look. "And then," David continues, "when it's not reciting the lineage of every pointy-eared cousin anyone's ever had, it's endless axe swinging and arrow shooting and oh-look-a-giant-spider. There's no… there's nothing _there_."
> 
> "I'll take your word for it," Charlie says. "Strike it off my bucket list."
> 
> "Oh god, please don't tell me you really have a bucket list for books." David rolls his eyes. "Because I'll have to assume that _Eat, Pray, Love_ is on there. And _Fifty Shades of Grey_."
> 
> Charlie snorts. "No, of course I don't. Things I'd like to read, sure – don't worry, I've done yours already – but it's more of a— well, you can see." He waves his hand vaguely to indicate the mess on the coffee table, the stacks of books and DVDs on the floor by the end of the sofa. There's also a pizza box there. Charlie grimaces.
> 
> David's mouth has twitched into a little smile at the mention of his own book but he doesn't comment, just tilts his head sideways to look at some of the titles. "All pornographic, are they?" 
> 
> "Oh, now _there's_ an idea," says Charlie. "Tell me about your porn habits?"
> 
> " _No_ , Charlie," David says, but he's grinning.

"At Cambridge, David learned that the only people studying magic were in the Footlights, so he joined up purely for access to their private library. As a member, though, he was forced to participate in some of the comedy and he performed in a series of reasonably crap shows including _Some Wood and a Pie_ , _Tartuffe Souffle_ , _The Barracuda Jazz Option_ , _Death of a Fisherman_ , _The Recruiting Officer_ , _What the Cutlery Saw_ , _Innocent Millions Dead or Dying – A Wry Look at the Post-Apocalyptic Age (With Songs)_ , and _Hamlet_.

Lucy buzzes. "Gah," she says. "One of those has to be true. Charlie, you're a complete bastard."

"True," says David. "He is a bastard. Lucy, you get a point."

"Oi!" says Charlie. "I thought you said you weren't going to cheat on this!"

"When was that?" says Lucy slyly. "Were you bribing him backstage?"

"In the pub when he agreed to do this, actually," says Charlie. "There was a distinct agreement of no cheating."

Arthur buzzes, and David gives a huff. "No more buzzing!"

"That's going to shorten the game considerably," Sandi says.

Charlie grins as David blatantly tries to get them back on track. "Lucy, are you going to make a guess?"

"Er," she says. " _Tartuffe Souffle_."

"No."

" _Hamlet_ ," says Arthur.

"No. Sandi?"

She hems and haws for a moment. " _Some Wood and a Pie_?" she says at last.

"Nope," says David. "Anyone want to try again?"

There is a brief moment of silence before Charlie decides he'd better carry on.

> "The other show I was in was called _Colin_ – I suppose you could do something with that."
> 
> "I'm beginning to think I didn't miss much by not going to Cambridge."
> 
> David snorts. "You really didn't. Not that I'm ungrateful for it, of course. It got me where I am, absolutely, and I met a lot of great people. But I… I don't think it would have suited you, actually." He cocks his head and looks at Charlie's face – not making eye contact, just assessing him in an abstract way. 
> 
> "What d'you mean?" Charlie wonders what David's seeing when he looks at him. "Obviously I'm not Cambridge material, is that what you're saying?" 
> 
> David's eyes go wide. "That's not what I meant!" he says. "Charlie, you know I didn't—" Charlie starts to laugh, and David's panicked expression fades into rueful amusement. "You're an arsehole," he says. He thumps Charlie on the knee. "I take it back, you'd have been perfect at Cambridge."
> 
> "Thank you," Charlie says, all exaggerated dignity. David's a little pink in the cheeks, which is entirely too entertaining to witness. "That's all I've ever wanted."

"It wasn't only the Cambridge comedy show titles experience that set David's taste. His tragic years in the cupboard had given him a limited understanding of popular culture. For example, when he signed on for what would become _Would I Lie to You?_ he objected to its existing title, _Pants on Fire_ , because he didn't get the reference."

Sandi buzzes. "That sounds depressingly like something that was named in haste so that it could get a pilot."

"It does, and it was, and I did hate it," says David. "But for the record, that was because it was a terrible name for a show, not because I didn't understand the reference. I have, in fact, been in a schoolyard."

"Your private tutor thought you should try slumming it?" Arthur asks.

"Actually my tutor thought it was beneath my dignity. But I was attempting bravery, you see. A mistake I didn't make twice."

> "All right," said Charlie. "What about romance?"
> 
> "Absolutely not," said David.
> 
> "I'd do it as a lie, obviously. Something outrageous. Maybe you're secretly married to Gyles Brandreth."
> 
> David snorted, obviously despite himself. He sighed. "Better make it someone I haven't heard of," he said. "And… a woman."
> 
> Charlie raised his eyebrow at that, because it implied… something. Maybe something that was true. But David didn't say anything else, just raised an eyebrow of his own. Charlie felt oddly dissatisfied by that. He wanted David to… he wanted… he _wanted_.
> 
> _Shit._

"David's magical abilities have greatly enhanced his appeal to the non-human creatures that hide amongst our society. He is, as we all know, secretly married to—"

Arthur buzzes. "If there was anyone I know who would be secretly married, it's David."

"In… in what way do I give that impression?" says David.

Sandy breaks into peals of laughter. "I think Arthur believes that brooding and mystery are in your skill set."

"Not since university," David says. "I was in my prime brooding days then."

"While starring in _What the Cutlery Saw_?" Lucy asks.

"You're not going to let her take a guess on that one, are you?" Charlie asks, faking outrage. "That was ages back!"

"It's taken me this long to absorb your whole list!" Lucy says. "Come on, David, let me go for that one."

"Well…"

"Pretty please?"

Arthur decides to chime in, although Charlie has no idea whether he's trying to help Lucy or sabotage her. "Go on, Dave, let her have a go."

David looks at Sandi. "Yeah, go on, then," she says.

"All right, I'll allow it," says David. "And you're wrong and you lose a point."

"Dammit!" says Lucy. "Charlie, you bastard."

Charlie grins at her, unrepentant. "I accept no responsibility for your tragic mistakes," he says.

"How often do you usually say that in a twenty four hour period?" says Sandi.

"Only five or six times," says Charlie. "But I don't get out much."

David laughs loudly at that. 

"You go out to the pub with David," Arthur says. "Maybe he's secretly married to _you_."

Charlie chokes, wide-eyed. He can see David going red. 

"You'd think if I were, he'd have more interesting truths," David says. "Better than all the terrible shows I was in at uni."

"Maybe he's a sweet and generous lover and wants to keep your secrets locked up inside his heart," says Lucy.

"How did we get here?" says Sandi.

"I'm looking forward to your upcoming romance novel about the two of us," David says dryly. "But in the meantime, perhaps we could focus."

> It's horrifying to realize that he's attracted to David. But there's no denying it. The majority of his brain is listening as David tells some anecdote about the time his mother renovated his kitchen purely on her own initiative, but a small, gibbering minority is watching the way David's hair is going grey at the temples, the faint scruff of beard that goes down his throat. He hadn't thought to notice David's looks changing over the years and now it's hitting all at once, the change from young and slightly-doofy and still figuring out how to do this comedy thing into… a professional. An actual man rather than someone still, essentially, a boy.
> 
> It's something Charlie's seen in himself, but that doesn't make it any less weird to see it in someone else. Not to mention the fact that David wears it so well.
> 
> They'd both been young. Is that why Charlie hadn't been paying attention?

"After his marriage to Claudia Schiffer came to an ignominious end, David gave up magic for good. Despite the strength of his talents, he's been completely normal for the last ten years. Other members of his family have had to pick up the slack – David's brother fixed the broken doorknob of his bedroom with a wave of his wand, his father darned all his socks, and his mother renovated his kitchen."

Charlie waits for someone to buzz on one of those, then hurries on when it looks like he's going to get away with it.

"But we can only hope that someday, when the world needs saving, David will take up his wand once again. That he will stand fast in the face of evil, a champion for what's right. And when the battle is done all of Britain will celebrate, gather together and raise a toast. 'To David Mitchell, that bloke off the telly!'"

The audience cheers.

* * *

They're all too old to go to the pub after a show these days – Charlie thinks that ought to be depressing but instead he just feels glad he doesn't have to make the effort – and so everyone trickles away, calling out genial goodbyes. Charlie finds himself alone with David in the green room, not entirely meaning to, but also not _not_ meaning to.

It feels like David's maybe doing the same, because he waits until the last person is gone before catching Charlie's eye. "I'm about to say something painfully earnest," he says. "Brace yourself."

Charlie snorts. "All right."

"I missed this," David says. "Being on panel shows with you. And also the thing where we sit around somewhere and talk bollocks."

Charlie's face flames, but he manages to say, "Me, too," without even sounding like too much of an idiot. "I'd love to get back into the habit."

"If you take out your pizza boxes, I'll even come to your flat." 

"Christ, you're demanding," Charlie says – the gibe is so much easier than sincerity.

"Are you trying to make me regret that offer?"

"No," Charlie says, "but…" _Shit, I can't dance around things anymore. I was too young and too stupid to notice this back then, and now I'm too old to dither. Sincerity it is, then._ "We could make it a date, if you're interested. And if you're not, then you should probably have fair warning before you come to my flat."

David chokes and sets himself coughing. Charlie reaches out to thump him on the back, thinks better of it, then does it anyway. David doesn't pull away, even when he stops coughing – just looks Charlie in the eye as if he's searching for something. "I, er," he says, and then puts a hand on Charlie's elbow and offers up a soft, wry little smile. "Get rid of the pizza boxes and we'll talk?"


End file.
